"Your way was the way"

This got me thinking:

In Jodie Foster's Actor's Studio interview with James Lipton:

Question: "If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

Her answer: "Your way was the way."

I personally think it was a beautiful answer.

The Ellen Degeneres Show

I like to watch The Ellen Degeneres Show. The rest of my family sometimes sneak a glance, but they usually don't care to watch what I do.

Anyway, my mom asked me, quite randomly, "Did you know Ellen is a lesbian?" "Yes, I know she's gay." "Did you know she got married?" "Yes." "That's weird." I didn't comment on that, she said it in a disgusted tone of voice. Meanwhile I'm thinking, if only you knew... But of course I didn't say anything.

What did I learn out of this brief conversation? I can never ever discuss my doubts and questions with my family. Well, that doesn't come as a surprise to me, though I must admit I hoped... At least I know how she (they) feel, so that when I sort out this confusion in my head, I'll know where not to go. What bothers me though, is that it doesn't really bother me. Maybe that's just because it's not a reality but merely a maybe/if. It makes me kind of bitter thinking about the 'what if's. But I'll survive either way, at least I hope so. And I'll keep on watching Ellen, let them wonder, I don't care. Ellen's funny and has a great personality. That's what defines a person, not their sexual preference.

Well mom, what do you think of that?

Friends and Family - Acceptance and Love

Friends and family is supposed to accept and love you just as you are, right? And mostly they do. Friends who don't will disappear over time and family who don't, well you'll know. So, now I was thinking, what if you discover some previously hidden part about yourself that you had no clue existed. Does that mean those people still have to accept you, or may they now change they're minds because they 'never really knew' you?

Let's say you buy this puppy. Very cute and you excuse its irritations since it will grow out of it, you're sure. You even tolerate the chewing of your shoes, since it will grow out of that too. Then it grows up. You did try to prevent that, but hey, what could you do? Fortunately it did grow out of those annoying things you kind of got used to. Unfortunately it developed some new habits and its just not cute anymore. Does this now mean you don't have to love it anymore? Of course not. It's part of who the dog is, irrespective of whether you knew about these things before.

Now apply this to a friend. Isn't it the same thing? Shouldn't it be? Then why do we feel the need to hide things about ourselves from the people close to us? Why is it necessary? Because we're afraid of rejection, of not being accepted anymore. Sometimes the people we thought would never speak to us again is surprisingly accepting and supportive, and those we thought would understand turn their backs on us. Life is complicated. My only question now is, if there is something you desperately need to talk about, who do you go to? I don't think I would talk to someone I know, because of the facts stated above. It's great that we live in an era of technology. The internet is a great way of communicating. That would probably be my choice. But at the end of the day, is it really the answer?

Ellen & Portia

I think it's great that they got married. Everyone should have the right to be happy and to be with the person they love, unconditionally.

I love Ellen's style, it fits her personality, and what I really admire about her is that she is never afraid just to be herself. And Portia, she's beautiful.

Crossroad

Destroyed in an instant what should have been a journey of exploration and adventure. An ultimatum forcing me to make a decision I don't have the knowledge to make. Although I'm expected to go one way the other is beckoning me to learn its ways, its turns and obstacles. Why can't I travel both? Or at least try the other out? Isn't there a place where these two roads may come together? Why can't they co-exist?


The one road exiles the other as wrong, but the other keeps seeking for a joined path. This is so diffucult, I have no idea what to do. I guess Ill have to wait at the crossroad until Ive decided, but that may take forever. Because either way Ill have to forsake a part of myself.

Why should I be forced to make such a decision? Is it a test or merely one of life's challenging obstacles?

Now my journey will have to wait until Ive figured out what direction to take and where I want to go.

Exceptional Attraction

I'm attracted to dark-haired people. Always has been, and thought that I always will be. Fair haired people just doesn't do it for me.

And then suddenly one day, an exception knocked the air out of my lungs with a jolt. Why does this happen? I still don't understand, but I sure as hell don't mind. It is just this one exception, I still haven't changed my mind about who I find attractive, except for this one strikingly beautiful person.

And yes, it is a woman. Whether that is the point or beyond the point, I don't know, it doesn't matter. What is so damn frustrating though is that she's completely out of reach and I guess also off-limits. Why does that always happen? It's just not fair. At least I still get to admire her, look at her, dream about her and wonder how it would feel to run my finger over her smooth cheek, to touch my lips onto hers, to feel her touch me back...
Damn, it's just not fair.

What am I supposed to do now? It's taunting me (that sounds an awful lot like haunting). Maybe I'll get over it, I hope so and soon. But on the other hand I wish I never do, it's nice to fantasize sometimes.

Well, until I actually meet some fair-haired person (woman/man) that I feel attracted to and have a change with, I will stick with the conclusion that I am indeed attracted to dark-haired people, and that she is (delightful) madness.

Life is Confusing

Life can be so damn confusing.

You never really know what to expect in the next moment. Of course, we plan and make schedules, but nothing ever works out exactly as we thought it would or wanted it to. Considering that point, does it even make sense to spend time planning? Maybe it does. How dull life would be if we didn't have something to look forward to. If we didn't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, would we even bother to get up?

And then, to make it even more blurred, we have feelings and emotions mixed into our every day lives, complicating things. It sometimes wipes out the line between right and wrong, reality and fantasy, good and bad. But it's good to have feelings, it makes life interesting. If only we could always understand those feelings, it would be so much better and easier.

Does it have to be this way? Is it even this way? Or am I merely imagining things in all this confusion? Does it matter? And if it does, why? How come every person's definition for right and wrong is so different? Does there then exist a right or wrong. I guess there does, but what exactly is it?

Will I ever find answers to all these questions? I truly hope so.

Contact vs Touch

I was thinking about the different sensations and senses aroused with different kinds of contact/touch. I was touched on the arm, and goodness did that feel good. I was hugged and I felt.. nothing? Well, not much.
It's strange since with respect to surface so much more of the body are covered. Now I'm thinking, maybe a hug is only contact and not touch.

Touch is contact with a hand or finger, its more intimate, more sensual. Whereas a hug is contact and more an act of closeness and togetherness. A hug often don't have real emotions attached. A touch speaks of care and tenderness, of longing and need. A hug may warm and comfort you. A touch can send tingles of electricity and sparks of emotion through your body. There's also a thousand ways and places to be touched, on the other hand hugs have limited variation.

I'm not saying I don't like hugs, I do, but from someone special I would much rather want and need a touch.

The Gay Label

Why is it necessary for people to be constantly labeling other people just because they are different? How can they be called different when the labelers (if that's a word) themselves are different in the labeled people's perspective? Who is then different? If each think the other's different aren't they the same?

This is getting to confusing so I'll get to my point. What does 'gay' mean to you? Of course we all know what it means but what kind of assumptions and accusations and labels do you attach to it? When someone says: 'hey, that person's gay' what kind of comments flood out of your mouth? Do you laugh and make jokes? Do you regard them as less of a person than you? Or maybe you just quickly change the subject because you don't want to talk about it, either because you feel embarrassed or you just plainly think its ridiculous and disgusting. Maybe it is against your religious believes, which is fine, just remember you're no saint.

Doesn't every person has an equal right to live? Hence, a right to have feelings and preferences of their own, without the need for them to have to explain? Being gay or straight or bisexual doesn't make you a bad person, does it? Some people seems to think it does. The word 'gay' has truly become a label. Gay people do this or they are like this. Stereotyping like this is not right, not ever. Every person is unique in her or his own special way. Being gay doesn't change who you are, all it defines is your sexual preference, nothing more. Then why does such a large portion of society not respect gay people? I just don't get it.

Whether I am gay or bisexual or straight, well, I honestly don't know. It is something I've been struggling with for quite a while. But I am not against any of these. I am just wondering why people always have to be classified as being this or that, and why, in this modern world, is 'gay' still an unaccepted label?

Study vs Anything Else

It never fails to surprise me how easily tasks I dislike can become quite likable the moment I have to study. And it's not as if I do not like what I am studying, I do, and I find it very interesting, it's just the thought of having to cram all that information into my head, knowing that they'll probably ask only half of what I do know and then eventually I'll forget it all just to have to study it again for the next test. It's an endless, sometimes almost pointless, exercise.

So I will postpone it until the very last, or at least until I realize that I'm just being stupid and that I will be sorry if I don't start right this moment.

Also, inevitably (at least for me), those unresolved personal issues will choose to surface at these moments when I absolutely do not have time or energy to process them. Then I want to scream: "What is the meaning of this?!!!" But I don't. I just turn up the volume of my music and force myself to focus on my books.

The worst is the anti-climax after stepping out of the exam hall. I think: "It's over now? Are you kidding me?" After the all hours of stuyding and self-control, this is what it comes to: Maybe an hour, maybe two, of frantically trying to recall everything, trying to figure out new questions (while wondering where on earth did they find this?), then the decision that I've done all that I possibly could and walking away... Sometimes, to make this even worse (if possible) is when just as you hand in your paper you suddenly have a strike of genius and know exactly what the answer to that 'unanswerable' question is. Of course, it is too late. So, defeated, you step away from the battle ground, already planning ahead for the next test.

What is the meaning of this? I ask again. Well, I guess there must be a reasonable explaining somewhere out there, wherever that is. It doesn't matter in anyway, I have to study whether or not I want to and that's it. No questions.

I can imagine a nightmare somewhere in the future: Stark white, cold walls slowly closing in as a thousand books starts to rain down, smothering me, with laughing covers with evil faces...

It really isn't that bad, but just sometimes I wish things were different.

The Magic of Music

There is something so mesmerizing about music. The beat a vibrating pulse of life flowing through your veins. The sounds surrounding you in a sphere of dance and enjoyment. So many sounds, tunes, songs, words, the possibilities are endless.

Music is an art I truly appreciate, as long as it good music and not just a bunch of noices thrown together, that's not music. The best thing about music is dancing. I love to dance, any form of dancing. It's a new kind of world where you can lose yourself and truly enjoy every moment, whether with someone or just by yourself. Though sharing it with someone is always great.

I like to listen to music with my earphones while on campus. It just softens, or even cut off, the hectic and busy going about of all the people, and for a few moments I can be at a place that's relaxing and filled with beautiful sounds.

Another thing about music is the amazing way it can relax you, especially after a busy day, even a bad day. It just makes everything seem and feel a bit better.

What would we do without music? It's pure magic.

Woman Assassin

This is one of those jokes that's really funny but also has a lot of meaning behind it:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

I almost feel sorry for the woman's husband, but then again, what on earth did he do to her that she wanted to kill him so badly? It just shows again that woman are made of much more than men will ever care to admit.

To Tell or Not To Tell

One single word can have so much meaning, can cause so much emotion and bring forth so much actions. It's kind of scary to speak. It is so easy to say whatever comes to mind without thinking about it first and often we regret what we have said, and sadly we can never take back our words. Once said, it remains forever said, whether you want to admit it or not. Sometimes we say things we don't really mean to someone and when you apologize the other person tends to say yes, she knew you didn't mean it, but does she really? Or is it just to make you feel less guilty? Sometimes when we later deny something we have previously confessed to or said, people tend to not believe you beyond what you said previously. That's not good, not good at all.

I was thinking about what I would do when eventually I figured out my mind and feelings, whom I would tell and whether I would tell anyone I know now. I wonder what they would think, whether they will still speak to me, what rumours will spread: 'She was always a bit strange' , 'I should have known' , 'That makes sense', etc. Scary, scary.
On the other hand, I guess I don't have to tell, maybe they'll speculate or find out for themselves or maybe not. I'm not entirely sure which is best.

It also fleetingly crossed my mind that maybe I should mention my doubts to someone now, but then, if it turns out to be some prank of my emotions and confusion, how will I ever undo those words spoken?

My conclusion is that I should for the time being just keep my mouth shut until I can figure out what the hell is going on inside my head.

Too Much Confusion

I'm torn between knowing what's right and what's wrong, torn between feelings and reality, torn between good and bad, basically I'm so confused I have no idea whatsoever what I'm going to do or what I want to do.

Where does religion fit into this picture? Does it even fit in?

Am I or am I not? And what if I am?

Does this realy have to be something big? Well, I know that it will be, no doubt. Will I ever be able to face it? Right now I am thinking of emmigrating. Well I have always thought of that, but now it will also be a kind of escape route, a new beginning.

I guess only time will tell, I truly hope it will, and soon. Or maybe I should just start looking past all the questions and obstacles to see what it is I really want, before I start drawing all these conclusions and making everything so much worse.

Elegance

Elegance is such a beautiful word. It in itself sounds elegant. It speaks of beauty and class and distinction. Rarely is it truly fitted to describe the sight of someone. It's a rare quality often degraded to something that's, in fact, not elegant.


English Elegance (Rose):


One, and probably my most important, example where it is indeed not true, is to describe a man. They are 'handsome' or 'attractive'. I personally would never be able to say that a man is elegant. Then does it apply to women? Most certainly. Not always, of course. There's a time and occasion for everything, even words.

When I think of elegance I see two things:
> Firstly, a ball or dance or party, with women in beautiful dresses and gowns - elegance.
> Secondly, I can almost feel, the bare exposed throat, silky smooth to touch, of a women...

Lynne - The encounter

I'm daydreaming as I walk into the room, quite in a daze and not really aware of what is currently happening all around. Something out of the corner of my eye catches my attention. I look up and is quickly brought back to earth. I know who she is, I've seen her many times, but rarely this close. I have to keep walking and she's just behind, I feel her presence, I am tense, but still open the door, barey holding it open for her and then walk on. I go in the opposite direction than what I know she will go. I need to concentrate on my work and cannot afford any diversions. So I keep my eye on her across the room until finally she is out of my sight. For a moment longer she lingers on my mind, but I know I've got to study now, so I let the books take away my toughts.
I do not see her again this day, though it is strange, for I should have. Maybe I was preoccupied with the test I was going to write.

It's strange how she so forcefully and swiftly enters my mind and occupies my thoughts and then almost just as quickly disappears again into the depths of my mind until she, quite unexpectedly, resurfaces again.