I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

A Bit of Poetry

This is a stanza from one of my poems:

I feel a sudden awareness
spreading over my skin,
the reason I have yet to meet,
for I will
I am sure.

Have you ever had this feeling? I'm not sure whether I have. I write about it, of course, but did I experience it? If I did it wasn't worth to remember. I think sometimes I write about things that I maybe want to happen, but hasn't yet. I also think that I read too much, fantasy and reality tend to get mixed up a bit. And I'm also a daydreamer, so it just confuses things a lot more. But I'm definitely not complaining, and I'm pretty sure I will know when something really happens.

A Very Important Choice

What you feel goes against what you believe in says you should feel. It's when the spiritual and emotional can't co-exist or are in conflict. The chance of finding a common point is too small and hopeless to even consider its existence. What then should be decided? When a choice is in fact no choice, since going the one way you'll be condemned, but going the other you'll always long for the part of yourself you've lost.

Quite a dilemma I'm facing. I have to make this choice, but it's just impossible! What am I going to do? I can try and postpone this forever, but then I will only put my life on hold, and that is definitely not a good option. Maybe I should just stop thinking too much about all of this, because it's starting to drive me crazy and that is not helping at all. I need time to really sort out all of this and hopefully it will eventually turn out not to be so bad after-all. I really hope so.

A rush of happiness

That feeling when a rush of happy emotions over floods your entire being in pleasure, almost too strong to handle, I like that feeling. It's rare, but precious and usually have you smiling, much to the puzzlement of those around you. Maybe they think your a bit crazy, but at that moment who cares?

It's a pity we can't have more of those moments or even call them up at will, but then it just wouldn't be as nice. You may have guessed, I experienced one of those today, whilst driving. At least no one saw the silly grin on my face. Nothing substantial happened to trigger it, it just happened. I must admit that I was deep in thought and I think I may have gotten an answer to one of my big questions, which is great. That probably was such a relieve that I just had to feel ecstatic.

I just had to share this, since it happens so seldom. What did I find an answer to? Maybe I'll tell or maybe I won't, I'll sleep on it. Goodnight!

Walks, paths and circuits

What do I care what the differences between walks, paths and circuits are? Apparently I should know this if I want to become a mathematician. It makes perfect sense. (Yeah right!) Anyway, now I know. Maybe I can confuse people with this new information, or try to impress them, or scare little kids... It's useless to know something and not use it, right?

At least that was only a part of my day. The biggest part was used to study, with exams upon us and all. I just missed the traffic on my way home, I'm very grateful. I got home, had an argument with my mom (more of a discussion) and then grabbed a book and some chocolate. Pure bliss. Today was really much better than yesterday, maybe because it's not a Monday? I don't know and don't really care.

I'm into writing poetry, have been writing for almost seven years now. It's a great way to get things in perspective or just to describe my feelings and ideas. I have a few published. Good for me! I hope to some day make something of my talent, maybe I will, who knows? Currently I'm writing about a restless soul, see the connection? I say writing because I just can't seem to get it right. Usually I barely change a thing. Maybe this one is too personal. I'm struggling to get the emotions I want to convey right. That probably has to do with the fact that I'm not sure myself what they are. Fortunately it's almost finished. Maybe I'll even post it, maybe.

(Goodness, this is starting to sound like a dairy... )

Confused, once again

I feel so very confused, again. Why is it that I just can't seem to get a hold on any of this? Some things I know I feel, others I question and then there's those who appear at awkward intervals of time, never allowing me to get a grasp on it, just when I begin to understand it slips away leaving me even more confused and in the dark. Maybe that's how it feels to be in some deserted, unknown and pitch-dark place, all alone, with the only light the distant flash of lightning now and then. Kind of scary.

The only solace is that I know that somewhere there's a place I can go to for shelter, with light, and perhaps someone will be waiting to guide me and show me the way home. Maybe I'm not confused, but scared? But of what? Rejection? The unknown? That I might be wrong? Well, at least I figured that I can't be entirely wrong or imagining what I'm feeling, that's not possible over a relatively long time of a few months, or is it? I don't think so.

I really should be studying at this moment, but I can't seem to concentrate. It's statistics. That's enough reason to run away as fast as possible, unfortunately I'll have to come back, so I'll rather stay put and safe both energy and breath.

I'm listening to Madonna's Imagine. It's a beautiful song, especially when you listen to the words. Anyway, that's a discussion for another time. I hate Mondays. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word, but it comes close. And to make it worse I have a statistics test each Monday, not good.

We're starting with exams this week, see my joy. I like learning new things, I just don't like studying. Who does? I'll just try to get through this day with as little stress as possible.

Adiós!

Robbed of my freedom

It's weird how much gay and lesbian talk there's been among my family these past weeks. I feel a bit uncomfortable when they include me in the conversations, since I do not share their views and opinions, and of course their not supposed to know that. I did realize, however, how strongly they are against it. I've deliberately asked questions, without raising suspicion I hope, to hear what they think and feel. Now I know. Maybe I shouldn't have probed.

At least I am now much more careful about what I say and also what kind of wallpapers I have on my phone and pc. I feel as if I'm robbed of my freedom. But I have no choice, since I cannot afford to live on my own yet, I'm dependent on them. So I'll have to play by their rules until I figure out what I'm going to do and what I want. It's really not do difficult, just a bit of a sacrifice and I have to constantly be on my guard.

At least my mind is just mine, I can think and dream all I want. That's great. I love daydreaming. It's a wonderful way of escaping all these frustrating things and to imagine all that can and maybe will be. Anyway, I just know now more than ever that family is not all that which some people makes one believe it is.

What is family?

I've often wondered what exactly family is supposed to mean. Is it anything more than a blood relation? Does it have to grow into loving, supportive relationships? I mean, it's not as if I had a choice in the matter, but what exactly is expected of me?

Why should people sometimes be judged by their relationship with family members? I don't think it's fair. Not everyone is the same, irrespective of genes and blood, so why is it wrong not to love your family? Well, my family told me it's wrong not to. Kind of ironic, isn't it?

I just want to be who I am, but I always feel as if I have to pretend to be who they want me to be, just because I'm not like them. What kind of family is that? I am who I am, whoever that may be. If they would just give me some space to be that person I might discover who I really am, but I never really get the chance. Somewhere I've lost perspective on my life and now I feel the growing need to find it and to be free.

The weekend

What is so great about the weekend?

There's no early alarm waking you up, you don't have to go to work/class, there's no early morning traffic and you can relax. Well, this is the perfect kind of weekend. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. I'm lucky enough to have this kind this weekend. At least I hope it will turn out that way. After the busy and exhausting week I had, it's just what I need. Hopefully I'll be able to find some me-time to sort out some of those thoughts in my head. I really hope I find some answers sooner rather than later. It feels as if it's right in front of me, I can almost touch it, but it's just out of reach. It's so frustrating and time consuming, and time I do not have a lot of. I wonder why my life is so complicated. Maybe it just feels that way for me, or maybe it's just because so many things are happening at the same time and that if I only had to handle one at a time it would be much better. But that's not going to happen.

Anyway, I'll just try and make the most out of my weekend. That is if my family allows it, just gives me some room to breathe...


For the sake of visualising my frustration, I thought I'd add this picture:

Exam Results

One of the worst things about university is when you know you've studied your ass off, barely slept, poisoned your body with coffee just to stay awake AND after you wrote the test you just know your going to ace it. So you don't need to worry about it anymore. Then you get back the results. And you just barely pass. You had such high expectations that at that moment it feels as if you have failed. You just can't believe it, but there it is.

That's one of the worst feelings. The fact that you passed almost doesn't matter. It's incomprehensible how it could have happened when you think about all the hours you put in, the invitations you refused. It's feels like such a waste.

I had one of these experiences recently and I'm still recovering, but I guess that's life. You win some, you lose some. And sometimes it doesn't even matter whether you were prepared or not.

Now I'm tempted to ask: Why even bother to study?

Tired...

So tired... It feels as if I've been awake for days, deprived of sleep.. Then I remember last night's 8 hours of dreamland and it just doesn't make sense. But I don't have enough energy to figure it out, I just want to sleep. But I can't, I have to fight to keep my eyes open and to concentrate on the lecture. It feels impossible, this day will never end...

I've been feeling this way the entire week and I wish I knew why. I figured it must be stress related, considering all the tests and work and no time to rest. The worst thing is that I can't just "take a day off", because then I'll just have to cram it all into the next day.

What am I to do? I'm just hoping I'll find some energy and strength somewhere and soon.