Whispers of Thought

Irony

2008-10-27T11:22:00.003+02:00

And the funny thing is... That there is nothing funny about it.
Irony must be one of the weirdest things, it occurs quite often, at the strangest times when you least expect it. Sometimes it can be funny, but then there are times that it's just so serious that you just need to laugh to release some of the tension. Irony is not a nice thing.
It can start out as ironic and end in something nasty or unwanted.
It might seem a joke to some whilst at the same time hurting someone else.

“Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment” - Edwin P. Whipple

Unexpected Changes in Life

2008-10-26T16:07:00.003+02:00

Sometimes life can make such unexpected turns at the most unexpected times...
It may be good changes, or it may be not so good, and sometimes, like now, you just have no idea what it means or where it will go.

You're happy the one moment, and the next it feels as if you'll never find your way as doubt crept into your mind, for unknown reasons.
The more you try to find answers, the more your mind feels blank and completely lost.

Right now, I have no idea where I want to go, what I want to do, where I am. It's so confusing and frustrating. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, I will find what I need to find and all will become clear.

Pirates

2008-10-21T11:00:00.001+02:00

Treasure chests got me thinking about pirates. They are ruthless, mean thieves, still we seem to
admire them, dress like them at parties, watch movies about them (more than once).

What exactly triggers this fascination with them? Is it because of their mysterious ways, their
adventures and treasure hunting? Or is it merely about them being different?

Why does something or someone different than ourselves always grab our attention and seem so
interesting?

Maybe it's just all about the outfits. How they look. Isn't that the one thing that always draw a lot of
attention?

And the whole movie thing? Maybe that's just about Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley. I wonder...

Whatever the case, here are a couple of pirates:

Treasure Chests

2008-10-20T21:13:00.003+02:00

Our lives are like treasure chests just waiting to be opened and discovered. To be used in wonder and good deeds, to be filled with new and wonderful things.

Sometimes treasures are hard to find even though we know they exist. We must never give up on this ongoing adventure, with or without a treasure map.

The greatest reward is when we find ourselves to be rich and full of gold, and what treasure chest doesn't have these?

Yet, we are still each unique and precious in our own special way. We don't need to want someone else's treasure or life, we just need to discover our own and learn about the mystery, the wonder and the worth of ourselves.

Is nothing something?

2008-10-19T10:20:00.002+02:00

I've been thinking about this and it confuses me.

Generally we refer to nothing as not being anything, but then how can there not be anything at all? When we say 'it' is nothing, it cannot be, because 'it' must be something, so nothing must be something, defined differently.

But still, what if there really is not a thing? Is that possible? Maybe in context.

This is really confusing, whether it is something or not I can't decide.

Music!

2008-10-12T20:26:00.001+02:00

Music is the pulse of the world!

Every beat vibrates through my soul and touches a deep emotion inside my heart.

There really is nothing quite like music. What would the world be without it? Imagine the silence... It would be really boring. What would we then listen to?

And dancing? We wouldn't be able to dance. Can u imagine that? I just can't. Loosing that freedom of moving to the sounds and beats of music, with no other thoughts or cares.

The rhythm, the sound, the pulse...

Music is the pulse of my world!

A world of disappointment

2008-10-05T21:11:00.001+02:00

This world carries too much disappointment and not nearly enough joy. This is evident in our everyday existence, making us into people who is afraid to trust, who prefer to rely on ourselves. How disappointingly true, but how wrong, this is.

Too many a time I've relied on someone or trusted a friend, only to turn my back and find disappointment around the next corner. Why does this happen? Does this mean that you can never trust somebody else?

It's not just disappointment, it's also being let down. Having high and wonderful expectations, but never experience it, because you were let down, someone's promises were not kept or they conveniently decided to forget them.

The only question that keeps coming into my mind is: Why?

Maybe it's because one person will never truly understand another. This is not a valid excuse, but may be a reason.

The only hope and comfort is that God will never let you down: "... never leave ... nor forsake ... " This is something to be treasured and held close, espercially when you're experiencing disappointment and sadness.

I'm Glad I'm a Woman

2008-09-27T21:44:00.000+02:00

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

A Bit of Poetry

2008-09-21T11:03:00.005+02:00

This is a stanza from one of my poems:

I feel a sudden awareness
spreading over my skin,
the reason I have yet to meet,
for I will
I am sure.

Have you ever had this feeling? I'm not sure whether I have. I write about it, of course, but did I experience it? If I did it wasn't worth to remember. I think sometimes I write about things that I maybe want to happen, but hasn't yet. I also think that I read too much, fantasy and reality tend to get mixed up a bit. And I'm also a daydreamer, so it just confuses things a lot more. But I'm definitely not complaining, and I'm pretty sure I will know when something really happens.

A Very Important Choice

2008-09-19T20:46:00.000+02:00

What you feel goes against what you believe in says you should feel. It's when the spiritual and emotional can't co-exist or are in conflict. The chance of finding a common point is too small and hopeless to even consider its existence. What then should be decided? When a choice is in fact no choice, since going the one way you'll be condemned, but going the other you'll always long for the part of yourself you've lost.

Quite a dilemma I'm facing. I have to make this choice, but it's just impossible! What am I going to do? I can try and postpone this forever, but then I will only put my life on hold, and that is definitely not a good option. Maybe I should just stop thinking too much about all of this, because it's starting to drive me crazy and that is not helping at all. I need time to really sort out all of this and hopefully it will eventually turn out not to be so bad after-all. I really hope so.

A rush of happiness

2008-09-17T22:09:00.003+02:00

That feeling when a rush of happy emotions over floods your entire being in pleasure, almost too strong to handle, I like that feeling. It's rare, but precious and usually have you smiling, much to the puzzlement of those around you. Maybe they think your a bit crazy, but at that moment who cares?

It's a pity we can't have more of those moments or even call them up at will, but then it just wouldn't be as nice. You may have guessed, I experienced one of those today, whilst driving. At least no one saw the silly grin on my face. Nothing substantial happened to trigger it, it just happened. I must admit that I was deep in thought and I think I may have gotten an answer to one of my big questions, which is great. That probably was such a relieve that I just had to feel ecstatic.

I just had to share this, since it happens so seldom. What did I find an answer to? Maybe I'll tell or maybe I won't, I'll sleep on it. Goodnight!

Walks, paths and circuits

2008-09-16T19:20:00.003+02:00

What do I care what the differences between walks, paths and circuits are? Apparently I should know this if I want to become a mathematician. It makes perfect sense. (Yeah right!) Anyway, now I know. Maybe I can confuse people with this new information, or try to impress them, or scare little kids... It's useless to know something and not use it, right?

At least that was only a part of my day. The biggest part was used to study, with exams upon us and all. I just missed the traffic on my way home, I'm very grateful. I got home, had an argument with my mom (more of a discussion) and then grabbed a book and some chocolate. Pure bliss. Today was really much better than yesterday, maybe because it's not a Monday? I don't know and don't really care.

I'm into writing poetry, have been writing for almost seven years now. It's a great way to get things in perspective or just to describe my feelings and ideas. I have a few published. Good for me! I hope to some day make something of my talent, maybe I will, who knows? Currently I'm writing about a restless soul, see the connection? I say writing because I just can't seem to get it right. Usually I barely change a thing. Maybe this one is too personal. I'm struggling to get the emotions I want to convey right. That probably has to do with the fact that I'm not sure myself what they are. Fortunately it's almost finished. Maybe I'll even post it, maybe.

(Goodness, this is starting to sound like a dairy... )

Confused, once again

2008-09-15T09:45:00.000+02:00

I feel so very confused, again. Why is it that I just can't seem to get a hold on any of this? Some things I know I feel, others I question and then there's those who appear at awkward intervals of time, never allowing me to get a grasp on it, just when I begin to understand it slips away leaving me even more confused and in the dark. Maybe that's how it feels to be in some deserted, unknown and pitch-dark place, all alone, with the only light the distant flash of lightning now and then. Kind of scary.

The only solace is that I know that somewhere there's a place I can go to for shelter, with light, and perhaps someone will be waiting to guide me and show me the way home. Maybe I'm not confused, but scared? But of what? Rejection? The unknown? That I might be wrong? Well, at least I figured that I can't be entirely wrong or imagining what I'm feeling, that's not possible over a relatively long time of a few months, or is it? I don't think so.

I really should be studying at this moment, but I can't seem to concentrate. It's statistics. That's enough reason to run away as fast as possible, unfortunately I'll have to come back, so I'll rather stay put and safe both energy and breath.

I'm listening to Madonna's Imagine. It's a beautiful song, especially when you listen to the words. Anyway, that's a discussion for another time. I hate Mondays. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word, but it comes close. And to make it worse I have a statistics test each Monday, not good.

We're starting with exams this week, see my joy. I like learning new things, I just don't like studying. Who does? I'll just try to get through this day with as little stress as possible.

Adiós!

Robbed of my freedom

2008-09-13T12:32:00.002+02:00

It's weird how much gay and lesbian talk there's been among my family these past weeks. I feel a bit uncomfortable when they include me in the conversations, since I do not share their views and opinions, and of course their not supposed to know that. I did realize, however, how strongly they are against it. I've deliberately asked questions, without raising suspicion I hope, to hear what they think and feel. Now I know. Maybe I shouldn't have probed.

At least I am now much more careful about what I say and also what kind of wallpapers I have on my phone and pc. I feel as if I'm robbed of my freedom. But I have no choice, since I cannot afford to live on my own yet, I'm dependent on them. So I'll have to play by their rules until I figure out what I'm going to do and what I want. It's really not do difficult, just a bit of a sacrifice and I have to constantly be on my guard.

At least my mind is just mine, I can think and dream all I want. That's great. I love daydreaming. It's a wonderful way of escaping all these frustrating things and to imagine all that can and maybe will be. Anyway, I just know now more than ever that family is not all that which some people makes one believe it is.

2008-09-12T22:20:00.001+02:00

What is family?

2008-09-06T16:57:00.003+02:00

I've often wondered what exactly family is supposed to mean. Is it anything more than a blood relation? Does it have to grow into loving, supportive relationships? I mean, it's not as if I had a choice in the matter, but what exactly is expected of me?

Why should people sometimes be judged by their relationship with family members? I don't think it's fair. Not everyone is the same, irrespective of genes and blood, so why is it wrong not to love your family? Well, my family told me it's wrong not to. Kind of ironic, isn't it?

I just want to be who I am, but I always feel as if I have to pretend to be who they want me to be, just because I'm not like them. What kind of family is that? I am who I am, whoever that may be. If they would just give me some space to be that person I might discover who I really am, but I never really get the chance. Somewhere I've lost perspective on my life and now I feel the growing need to find it and to be free.

The weekend

2008-09-05T20:08:00.006+02:00

What is so great about the weekend?

There's no early alarm waking you up, you don't have to go to work/class, there's no early morning traffic and you can relax. Well, this is the perfect kind of weekend. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. I'm lucky enough to have this kind this weekend. At least I hope it will turn out that way. After the busy and exhausting week I had, it's just what I need. Hopefully I'll be able to find some me-time to sort out some of those thoughts in my head. I really hope I find some answers sooner rather than later. It feels as if it's right in front of me, I can almost touch it, but it's just out of reach. It's so frustrating and time consuming, and time I do not have a lot of. I wonder why my life is so complicated. Maybe it just feels that way for me, or maybe it's just because so many things are happening at the same time and that if I only had to handle one at a time it would be much better. But that's not going to happen.

Anyway, I'll just try and make the most out of my weekend. That is if my family allows it, just gives me some room to breathe...

For the sake of visualising my frustration, I thought I'd add this picture:

Exam Results

2008-09-04T20:20:00.005+02:00

One of the worst things about university is when you know you've studied your ass off, barely slept, poisoned your body with coffee just to stay awake AND after you wrote the test you just know your going to ace it. So you don't need to worry about it anymore. Then you get back the results. And you just barely pass. You had such high expectations that at that moment it feels as if you have failed. You just can't believe it, but there it is.

That's one of the worst feelings. The fact that you passed almost doesn't matter. It's incomprehensible how it could have happened when you think about all the hours you put in, the invitations you refused. It's feels like such a waste.

I had one of these experiences recently and I'm still recovering, but I guess that's life. You win some, you lose some. And sometimes it doesn't even matter whether you were prepared or not.

Now I'm tempted to ask: Why even bother to study?

Tired...

2008-09-03T20:48:00.003+02:00

So tired... It feels as if I've been awake for days, deprived of sleep.. Then I remember last night's 8 hours of dreamland and it just doesn't make sense. But I don't have enough energy to figure it out, I just want to sleep. But I can't, I have to fight to keep my eyes open and to concentrate on the lecture. It feels impossible, this day will never end...

I've been feeling this way the entire week and I wish I knew why. I figured it must be stress related, considering all the tests and work and no time to rest. The worst thing is that I can't just "take a day off", because then I'll just have to cram it all into the next day.

What am I to do? I'm just hoping I'll find some energy and strength somewhere and soon.

"Your way was the way"

2008-08-31T18:24:00.003+02:00

This got me thinking:

In Jodie Foster's Actor's Studio interview with James Lipton:

Question: "If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

Her answer: "Your way was the way."

I personally think it was a beautiful answer.

The Ellen Degeneres Show

2008-08-30T11:27:00.003+02:00

I like to watch The Ellen Degeneres Show. The rest of my family sometimes sneak a glance, but they usually don't care to watch what I do.

Anyway, my mom asked me, quite randomly, "Did you know Ellen is a lesbian?" "Yes, I know she's gay." "Did you know she got married?" "Yes." "That's weird." I didn't comment on that, she said it in a disgusted tone of voice. Meanwhile I'm thinking, if only you knew... But of course I didn't say anything.

What did I learn out of this brief conversation? I can never ever discuss my doubts and questions with my family. Well, that doesn't come as a surprise to me, though I must admit I hoped... At least I know how she (they) feel, so that when I sort out this confusion in my head, I'll know where not to go. What bothers me though, is that it doesn't really bother me. Maybe that's just because it's not a reality but merely a maybe/if. It makes me kind of bitter thinking about the 'what if's. But I'll survive either way, at least I hope so. And I'll keep on watching Ellen, let them wonder, I don't care. Ellen's funny and has a great personality. That's what defines a person, not their sexual preference.

Well mom, what do you think of that?

Friends and Family - Acceptance and Love

2008-08-29T20:00:00.002+02:00

Friends and family is supposed to accept and love you just as you are, right? And mostly they do. Friends who don't will disappear over time and family who don't, well you'll know. So, now I was thinking, what if you discover some previously hidden part about yourself that you had no clue existed. Does that mean those people still have to accept you, or may they now change they're minds because they 'never really knew' you?

Let's say you buy this puppy. Very cute and you excuse its irritations since it will grow out of it, you're sure. You even tolerate the chewing of your shoes, since it will grow out of that too. Then it grows up. You did try to prevent that, but hey, what could you do? Fortunately it did grow out of those annoying things you kind of got used to. Unfortunately it developed some new habits and its just not cute anymore. Does this now mean you don't have to love it anymore? Of course not. It's part of who the dog is, irrespective of whether you knew about these things before.

Now apply this to a friend. Isn't it the same thing? Shouldn't it be? Then why do we feel the need to hide things about ourselves from the people close to us? Why is it necessary? Because we're afraid of rejection, of not being accepted anymore. Sometimes the people we thought would never speak to us again is surprisingly accepting and supportive, and those we thought would understand turn their backs on us. Life is complicated. My only question now is, if there is something you desperately need to talk about, who do you go to? I don't think I would talk to someone I know, because of the facts stated above. It's great that we live in an era of technology. The internet is a great way of communicating. That would probably be my choice. But at the end of the day, is it really the answer?

Ellen & Portia

2008-08-28T19:38:00.007+02:00

I think it's great that they got married. Everyone should have the right to be happy and to be with the person they love, unconditionally.

I love Ellen's style, it fits her personality, and what I really admire about her is that she is never afraid just to be herself. And Portia, she's beautiful.

Crossroad

2008-08-28T19:23:00.006+02:00

Destroyed in an instant what should have been a journey of exploration and adventure. An ultimatum forcing me to make a decision I don't have the knowledge to make. Although I'm expected to go one way the other is beckoning me to learn its ways, its turns and obstacles. Why can't I travel both? Or at least try the other out? Isn't there a place where these two roads may come together? Why can't they co-exist?

The one road exiles the other as wrong, but the other keeps seeking for a joined path. This is so diffucult, I have no idea what to do. I guess Ill have to wait at the crossroad until Ive decided, but that may take forever. Because either way Ill have to forsake a part of myself.

Why should I be forced to make such a decision? Is it a test or merely one of life's challenging obstacles?

Now my journey will have to wait until Ive figured out what direction to take and where I want to go.

Exceptional Attraction

2008-08-24T19:03:00.003+02:00

I'm attracted to dark-haired people. Always has been, and thought that I always will be. Fair haired people just doesn't do it for me.

And then suddenly one day, an exception knocked the air out of my lungs with a jolt. Why does this happen? I still don't understand, but I sure as hell don't mind. It is just this one exception, I still haven't changed my mind about who I find attractive, except for this one strikingly beautiful person.

And yes, it is a woman. Whether that is the point or beyond the point, I don't know, it doesn't matter. What is so damn frustrating though is that she's completely out of reach and I guess also off-limits. Why does that always happen? It's just not fair. At least I still get to admire her, look at her, dream about her and wonder how it would feel to run my finger over her smooth cheek, to touch my lips onto hers, to feel her touch me back...
Damn, it's just not fair.

What am I supposed to do now? It's taunting me (that sounds an awful lot like haunting). Maybe I'll get over it, I hope so and soon. But on the other hand I wish I never do, it's nice to fantasize sometimes.

Well, until I actually meet some fair-haired person (woman/man) that I feel attracted to and have a change with, I will stick with the conclusion that I am indeed attracted to dark-haired people, and that she is (delightful) madness.

Life is Confusing

2008-08-24T10:40:00.007+02:00

Life can be so damn confusing.

You never really know what to expect in the next moment. Of course, we plan and make schedules, but nothing ever works out exactly as we thought it would or wanted it to. Considering that point, does it even make sense to spend time planning? Maybe it does. How dull life would be if we didn't have something to look forward to. If we didn't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, would we even bother to get up?

And then, to make it even more blurred, we have feelings and emotions mixed into our every day lives, complicating things. It sometimes wipes out the line between right and wrong, reality and fantasy, good and bad. But it's good to have feelings, it makes life interesting. If only we could always understand those feelings, it would be so much better and easier.

Does it have to be this way? Is it even this way? Or am I merely imagining things in all this confusion? Does it matter? And if it does, why? How come every person's definition for right and wrong is so different? Does there then exist a right or wrong. I guess there does, but what exactly is it?

Will I ever find answers to all these questions? I truly hope so.

Contact vs Touch

2008-08-21T20:16:00.005+02:00

I was thinking about the different sensations and senses aroused with different kinds of contact/touch. I was touched on the arm, and goodness did that feel good. I was hugged and I felt.. nothing? Well, not much.
It's strange since with respect to surface so much more of the body are covered. Now I'm thinking, maybe a hug is only contact and not touch.

Touch is contact with a hand or finger, its more intimate, more sensual. Whereas a hug is contact and more an act of closeness and togetherness. A hug often don't have real emotions attached. A touch speaks of care and tenderness, of longing and need. A hug may warm and comfort you. A touch can send tingles of electricity and sparks of emotion through your body. There's also a thousand ways and places to be touched, on the other hand hugs have limited variation.

I'm not saying I don't like hugs, I do, but from someone special I would much rather want and need a touch.

The Gay Label

2008-08-17T19:04:00.003+02:00

Why is it necessary for people to be constantly labeling other people just because they are different? How can they be called different when the labelers (if that's a word) themselves are different in the labeled people's perspective? Who is then different? If each think the other's different aren't they the same?

This is getting to confusing so I'll get to my point. What does 'gay' mean to you? Of course we all know what it means but what kind of assumptions and accusations and labels do you attach to it? When someone says: 'hey, that person's gay' what kind of comments flood out of your mouth? Do you laugh and make jokes? Do you regard them as less of a person than you? Or maybe you just quickly change the subject because you don't want to talk about it, either because you feel embarrassed or you just plainly think its ridiculous and disgusting. Maybe it is against your religious believes, which is fine, just remember you're no saint.

Doesn't every person has an equal right to live? Hence, a right to have feelings and preferences of their own, without the need for them to have to explain? Being gay or straight or bisexual doesn't make you a bad person, does it? Some people seems to think it does. The word 'gay' has truly become a label. Gay people do this or they are like this. Stereotyping like this is not right, not ever. Every person is unique in her or his own special way. Being gay doesn't change who you are, all it defines is your sexual preference, nothing more. Then why does such a large portion of society not respect gay people? I just don't get it.

Whether I am gay or bisexual or straight, well, I honestly don't know. It is something I've been struggling with for quite a while. But I am not against any of these. I am just wondering why people always have to be classified as being this or that, and why, in this modern world, is 'gay' still an unaccepted label?

Study vs Anything Else

2008-08-16T14:06:00.010+02:00

It never fails to surprise me how easily tasks I dislike can become quite likable the moment I have to study. And it's not as if I do not like what I am studying, I do, and I find it very interesting, it's just the thought of having to cram all that information into my head, knowing that they'll probably ask only half of what I do know and then eventually I'll forget it all just to have to study it again for the next test. It's an endless, sometimes almost pointless, exercise.

So I will postpone it until the very last, or at least until I realize that I'm just being stupid and that I will be sorry if I don't start right this moment.

Also, inevitably (at least for me), those unresolved personal issues will choose to surface at these moments when I absolutely do not have time or energy to process them. Then I want to scream: "What is the meaning of this?!!!" But I don't. I just turn up the volume of my music and force myself to focus on my books.

The worst is the anti-climax after stepping out of the exam hall. I think: "It's over now? Are you kidding me?" After the all hours of stuyding and self-control, this is what it comes to: Maybe an hour, maybe two, of frantically trying to recall everything, trying to figure out new questions (while wondering where on earth did they find this?), then the decision that I've done all that I possibly could and walking away... Sometimes, to make this even worse (if possible) is when just as you hand in your paper you suddenly have a strike of genius and know exactly what the answer to that 'unanswerable' question is. Of course, it is too late. So, defeated, you step away from the battle ground, already planning ahead for the next test.

What is the meaning of this? I ask again. Well, I guess there must be a reasonable explaining somewhere out there, wherever that is. It doesn't matter in anyway, I have to study whether or not I want to and that's it. No questions.

I can imagine a nightmare somewhere in the future: Stark white, cold walls slowly closing in as a thousand books starts to rain down, smothering me, with laughing covers with evil faces...

It really isn't that bad, but just sometimes I wish things were different.

The Magic of Music

2008-08-12T19:06:00.007+02:00

There is something so mesmerizing about music. The beat a vibrating pulse of life flowing through your veins. The sounds surrounding you in a sphere of dance and enjoyment. So many sounds, tunes, songs, words, the possibilities are endless.

Music is an art I truly appreciate, as long as it good music and not just a bunch of noices thrown together, that's not music. The best thing about music is dancing. I love to dance, any form of dancing. It's a new kind of world where you can lose yourself and truly enjoy every moment, whether with someone or just by yourself. Though sharing it with someone is always great.

I like to listen to music with my earphones while on campus. It just softens, or even cut off, the hectic and busy going about of all the people, and for a few moments I can be at a place that's relaxing and filled with beautiful sounds.

Another thing about music is the amazing way it can relax you, especially after a busy day, even a bad day. It just makes everything seem and feel a bit better.

What would we do without music? It's pure magic.

Woman Assassin

2008-08-10T10:35:00.005+02:00

This is one of those jokes that's really funny but also has a lot of meaning behind it:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

I almost feel sorry for the woman's husband, but then again, what on earth did he do to her that she wanted to kill him so badly? It just shows again that woman are made of much more than men will ever care to admit.

To Tell or Not To Tell

2008-08-09T17:09:00.003+02:00

One single word can have so much meaning, can cause so much emotion and bring forth so much actions. It's kind of scary to speak. It is so easy to say whatever comes to mind without thinking about it first and often we regret what we have said, and sadly we can never take back our words. Once said, it remains forever said, whether you want to admit it or not. Sometimes we say things we don't really mean to someone and when you apologize the other person tends to say yes, she knew you didn't mean it, but does she really? Or is it just to make you feel less guilty? Sometimes when we later deny something we have previously confessed to or said, people tend to not believe you beyond what you said previously. That's not good, not good at all.

I was thinking about what I would do when eventually I figured out my mind and feelings, whom I would tell and whether I would tell anyone I know now. I wonder what they would think, whether they will still speak to me, what rumours will spread: 'She was always a bit strange' , 'I should have known' , 'That makes sense', etc. Scary, scary.
On the other hand, I guess I don't have to tell, maybe they'll speculate or find out for themselves or maybe not. I'm not entirely sure which is best.

It also fleetingly crossed my mind that maybe I should mention my doubts to someone now, but then, if it turns out to be some prank of my emotions and confusion, how will I ever undo those words spoken?

My conclusion is that I should for the time being just keep my mouth shut until I can figure out what the hell is going on inside my head.

Too Much Confusion

2008-08-03T18:56:00.005+02:00

I'm torn between knowing what's right and what's wrong, torn between feelings and reality, torn between good and bad, basically I'm so confused I have no idea whatsoever what I'm going to do or what I want to do.

Where does religion fit into this picture? Does it even fit in?

Am I or am I not? And what if I am?

Does this realy have to be something big? Well, I know that it will be, no doubt. Will I ever be able to face it? Right now I am thinking of emmigrating. Well I have always thought of that, but now it will also be a kind of escape route, a new beginning.

I guess only time will tell, I truly hope it will, and soon. Or maybe I should just start looking past all the questions and obstacles to see what it is I really want, before I start drawing all these conclusions and making everything so much worse.

Elegance

2008-08-02T21:23:00.005+02:00

Elegance is such a beautiful word. It in itself sounds elegant. It speaks of beauty and class and distinction. Rarely is it truly fitted to describe the sight of someone. It's a rare quality often degraded to something that's, in fact, not elegant.

English Elegance (Rose):

One, and probably my most important, example where it is indeed not true, is to describe a man. They are 'handsome' or 'attractive'. I personally would never be able to say that a man is elegant. Then does it apply to women? Most certainly. Not always, of course. There's a time and occasion for everything, even words.

When I think of elegance I see two things:
> Firstly, a ball or dance or party, with women in beautiful dresses and gowns - elegance.
> Secondly, I can almost feel, the bare exposed throat, silky smooth to touch, of a women...

Lynne - The encounter

2008-08-02T21:03:00.003+02:00

I'm daydreaming as I walk into the room, quite in a daze and not really aware of what is currently happening all around. Something out of the corner of my eye catches my attention. I look up and is quickly brought back to earth. I know who she is, I've seen her many times, but rarely this close. I have to keep walking and she's just behind, I feel her presence, I am tense, but still open the door, barey holding it open for her and then walk on. I go in the opposite direction than what I know she will go. I need to concentrate on my work and cannot afford any diversions. So I keep my eye on her across the room until finally she is out of my sight. For a moment longer she lingers on my mind, but I know I've got to study now, so I let the books take away my toughts.
I do not see her again this day, though it is strange, for I should have. Maybe I was preoccupied with the test I was going to write.

It's strange how she so forcefully and swiftly enters my mind and occupies my thoughts and then almost just as quickly disappears again into the depths of my mind until she, quite unexpectedly, resurfaces again.

Guy and Girl

2008-07-24T19:19:00.007+02:00

So there's this guy and girl at university. Lets call them Steve and Lynne.
Now Steve and Lynne had this attraction from the beginning, and inevitably it ended up in a relationship.

But then, something happened. Steve is ignoring Lynne and I see quite clearly that she is upset as she tries to get his attention, but to no avail.

Now, they don't even speak and I wonder what could have gone wrong?

Not that any of this really matters to me, what got my attention thought was the fact that Steve is extremely attractive and Lynne is a real beauty. They were a great looking couple.
Now I'm thinking, whom of the two would I prefer to date?

Steve is tall, with light brown hair and soft, hazel eyes. Lynne has long, dark hair with deep dark eyes. Haha, well it probably won't happen either way, it's just really interesting that I cannot decide who I like best...

The Beginning

2008-07-21T19:34:00.001+02:00

I never would have thought that I would have this kind of blog, this kind of thoughts, but I guess sometimes the course of our lives turns in ways completely unexpected, we may even be afraid. That’s how I felt, afraid. Then the confusion set in and is still silently lingering in the back of my mind. At first I wanted to steer away when I were thinking about another woman, but not anymore. It is as if I have accepted it and now I even enjoy it. I like to analyze my thoughts when thinking of or seeing another woman. Though not too deeply, I am not that confident about it yet. But I must admit it’s kind of nice.

I have this silly suspicion that people can read my thoughts, so I usually stop myself from thinking about these things when I am with other people. I guess it’s a good thing, because I have caught myself smiling. How silly must that look?!
I’m not sure why I am smiling, I wish I knew. But just the fact of having something to smile about is good.

Where did this all start? I don’t know. The thought just kind of entered my mind and at first I pushed it aside, but it grew stronger and stronger and now I can certainly not ignore it anymore.
I think the first trigger was a You Tube movie I saw where two women kissed. I thought at the time that I would find it repulsive, but I admit I was curious, why else would I have watched it? Anyway, so I watched it, more than once. Then I watched another movie like the first. It got me thinking and wondering…

I guess there's a lot of things which should have raised my suspicion, but it just never did. Maybe I knew in the back of my mind and I just didn't want to accept or aknowledge it.

Well, I guess this is some kind of confession to myself, and it feels kind of good. It’s nice to put it out there in the open. It’s nice.